I had some social media guru follow me on Twitter recently.
It got me thinking about what that term stands for.
I think I figured it out:
‘S’ is for “so so.” At most, this is the quality of advice you will get from the guru if you hire her/him.
‘O’ is for “Oh fuck.” That’s what you’ll say if you hire the guru and actually figure out the ROI of the project (note- the guru will probably tell you that ROI is a bullshit concept that does not apply to this channel).
‘C’ is for “crap.” That is how you will describe the “viral video” your social media guru produces. You’ll say “crap” again after you realize it got 50 Youtube views in a month.
‘I’ is for “idiot.” This is the term you will be called by your boss after she/he sees that the “viral video” produced by the social media guru gets 50 youtube views in a month.
‘A’ is for “asshole.” That’s what you’ll call the social media guru when you hear the terms “engage your community” and “leverage the power of conversation” 100 times in three minutes.
‘L’ is for “like.” If the social media guru has a Facebook fan page you won’t be liking it when the consulting gig is over.
‘M’ is for “me”. It’s a word blowhards gurus like to use a lot.
‘E’ is “easy.” The social media guru would like you to believe social media is not easy. In fact, all you have to do is behave like Mommy told you to in these channels.
‘D’ is for “dumbass.” Your colleagues will call you this in the after you get fired for hiring the social media guru.
‘I’ is for “ingenious.” That’s what the social media guru claims to be.
‘A’ is for “angry.” It’s how you’ll make your community if you enact the social media gurus ideas.
‘G’ is for “guru.” Peter Drucker was right, it is just an easier way to spell “charlatan.”
‘U’ is for “unctuous.” Defined in the dictionaries of the world as smooth, greasy and marked by a smug and false earnestness….sounds about right!
‘R’ is for “right fucked.” This is what you will be if you follow the social media guru’s advice.
‘U’ is for “ugly.” This is how social media gurus look in those whack photos they all post, wherein they insist on wearing the Sham Wow Guy mic.