Twitter is massive.
It has become the tool du jour for businesses, morons looking to broadcast their thoughts and attention whores everywhere.
Some of the most interesting tweets we will, alas, never read. This is because the people who would’ve authored them are long dead.
Here is what 16 historical figures might have tweeted, if they could’ve:
1. Immanuel Kant – German Philosopher – How the hell I am supposed to explain the categorical imperative in 140 characters? UGH!!! #fuckdeontologicalethics.
2. Genghis Khan – Mongolian warlord par excellence – The Steppe is frikkin windy and cold. Time to go marauding. Get little @kublaikhan to saddle up the horses!
3. Nicholas II – last Tsar of Russia – This Lenin character is a real pain in the ass. Whattup w/ this “proletarian revolution” nonsense? #startingtoworry
4. Robespierre – French Revolutionary figure, famous for his “Reign of Terror” – They say karma is a bitch. So too is a guillotine. #headsrollingcanbefun
5. Mobutu Sese Seko – former Congolese Dictator – GAWD I need an image makeover. I’m thinkin a new leopard hat and a boxing match should do the trick. #needprhelpbad
6. Dionysius – Greek God of Wine, Ritual Madness and Ecstasy – Damn! @Zeus has gone on a bender without me and now there’s no wine or women left! #wheremybitchesat?
7. Reza Pahlavi – Shah of Iran, ousted in 1979 Revolution– Why do all these dudes with beards and turbans hate me. #whoisthiskhomeiniguy
8. Marilyn Monroe – film icon – Happy birthday @mrpresident
9. John F Kennedy – US president – @marilynmonroe tks for the bday wishes – @jackieo is away this wkend…:) #funtimesahead
10. Henry VIII – King of England who had 6 wives – Why did I ever marry @annebolyn? I need to liquidate this chick….but how? #whereismyaxe
11. Jacques Cartier – explorer and colonizer of New France – Freezing my ass off in Montreal! Wondering why I came and colonized this godforsaken place. #screwthelandgodgavetocain
12. Ronald Reagan – former US President – I wonder when the trickles from trickle down economics will start trickling down
13. Richard the Lionheart – King of England and habitual Crusade junky – Argh! England is soooo wet, grey and cold. Need to get my ass back to Jerusalem for wars and warmth.
14. Jeremy Bentham – philosopher and father of utilitarianism – I wonder how one calculates the utility of tweeting. Hard to measure. #whitegirlproblem
15. Richard Nixon – Former US President – Trying to pick a lock…less than easy…I need to outsource this! #needburglaryhelpnow
16. John A MacDonald – first Prime Minister of Canada – Tweeting is so much easier boozed up #alcoholmakesforgoodpolitics